My greatest fear … loss
February 5th 2009 11:25 pm
My greatest fear is loss. Losing Adrienne, my sister, my child, and in many ways my best friend, is the greatest loss I can ever imagine. You expect to outlive your parents, some of your friends, maybe your spouse (especially if you’re a woman), but outliving your child goes against the natural order of the universe.
I have always known I would outlive everyone I love (I mean everyone)—even my younger sister, but I thought I would be 70 and she would be 56. Unless I change my own fate, I will surely outlive my father and most likely my husband. Though he didn’t raise me for much of my life, I am truly my father’s daughter in every way. I still want to make him proud of me—how silly is that at my age? And my husband is so much more than my lover; he is my best friend, my sounding board, my biggest fan, my constant companion, and he always kisses me goodnight. Who will do that when he’s gone?
When asked what the secret of her success was, Barbara Walters responded (I’m paraphrasing), “Surviving personal losses.” I understand what she means. I don’t disagree with her, but I don’t think I can take another loss—whether it’s the death of a loved one or the end of a friendship. The pain has become so unbearable that no amount of Valium or Wellbutrin or therapy can minimize it. I end up feeling lost all the time because of my losses.
But when I think about altering my destiny, choosing to end the aching in my heart (I marvel at how the heart really hurts on a physical level; I experience chest pains), I consider what that choice would mean to others in my life— particularly my husband and my father. I also wonder what Adrienne would think—she would be angry with me for wasting my life, for throwing away the opportunities that she missed. And I would be causing the two people I love the most, the worst possible pain, the kind I don’t wish on anyone. Then I realize I can’t do it. I’m stuck. Here. Now. In the present.
I cannot handle any more losses, but they will happen—for all of us—when we least expect them … like our own shadows stalking us on a sunny day.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. — Ecclesiastes 3:1-4
The Bible got one thing right.
AWW — XoXo
