Andrea Wilson Woods' Blog

Today, I started thinking about the concept of an afterlife. I need to believe it exists, but I don’t buy the whole heaven and hell (H&H) scenario. However, the good vs. evil simplicity of H&H is entertaining. I wondered what would happen to a married couple, with different belief systems, if they died at the same time. Would their souls immediately break away from each other?

I see one floating peacefully toward the sky like a hot air balloon on a clear summer day and the other melting into a nasty pool of black sludge that boils with heat until his entire body evaporates. I imagine the wife waving from heaven down to her husband in hell.

Then I realized how stereotypical that was so I pictured the woman going to hell instead. Then I thought … what would happen if I went to hell?

If I lived in hell:

• I would donate all of my jackets, coats, sweaters, scarves, gloves, and boots to Goodwill. Yes, I live in Los Angeles and own twelve jackets and four full-length coats.
• I would need to wear Coppertone’s Faces SPF 70+ (this stuff works!) sunscreen all the time, which means I would smell like the beach instead of my usual vanilla oil or Poison perfume.
• I would have to change my hair color because otherwise I would blend in with the scenery. I’m not going to let hell turn me into a wallflower.
• I would make Smores every day for lunch instead of my usual boring turkey sandwich on one piece of gluten-free bread. Perhaps, we could import the marshmallows from heaven.
• I could meet some of my favorite actors including Katherine Hepburn (adulteress), Judy Garland (addict), Clark Gable (asshole), and Cary Grant (insert sin here). They would anoint me as the Hedda Hopper of Hell as long as I promised not to put them on any reality shows especially I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! because it’s filmed in heaven.
• Finally, I could raise hell, for the hell of it, as the head coach of Hell on Wheels, the local roller derby team, and no one could tell me I’m going to hell because I would already be there spending time with other people.

What the hell! H-E-double-hockey sticks sounds like a fun place for souls to go. I should make my reservation now because the waiting list is 20 years or longer. Senator John Edwards and South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford can’t even get a space, and they were guaranteed their spots. (O.J. Simpson is still going straight to hell.) I heard Michael Jackson’s death surprised hell’s administrative staff, former WWII SS officers, because they were not expecting him for another 13 years.

On second thought, hell seems too much like Los Angeles, a hot, dry climate full of bullshit artists, tainted politicians, and spoiled celebrities with criminal records. Hmm … I wonder who lives in heaven.

AWW — XoXo

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