Andrea Wilson Woods' Blog

Ever since I heard the expression “Depression is anger turned inward” I have wondered what actually causes depression because that statement seems not only simplistic to me, but it also does not apply to my situation. Finally, I asked my very experienced psychiatrist what he thought, and he listed three major causes of depression: Loss, Genes, and Anger.*

Loss
Look around you and think about how much you could lose and how you would feel if you did. You could lose your loved ones (e.g., death, divorce), your money, your house, your job, your self-esteem, your dreams, etc. You could lose your material items. My grandparents’ house burned to the ground when I was a child, and they lost almost everything—except their photo scrapbooks. When I touched the albums’ charred edges, I understood why my grandfather grabbed them at the last minute despite the smoke that must have been choking his lungs. In that moment, I fell in love with photography because even if you lose a loved one, the camera captures their images and preserves your memories. If our home suddenly went up in flames, I would save the three P’s—people, pets, and pictures—in that order.

Genes
Unfortunately, we have no control over our genes, and our genetic makeup can determine our predisposition to mental illnesses such as depression; schizophrenia; and bipolar, personality and anxiety disorders (to name a few). Sometimes, I feel like I could throw a dart at the DSM-IV, hit a diagnosis, and name someone in my mother’s family. However, many people never develop any mental issues despite their DNA. In some cases though, people who appear to have perfect lives (e.g., no losses) may still develop a mental disorder due to a chemical imbalance in their brains. I am not saying people are not responsible for their behavior, but understanding the cause is crucial to treating the problem especially since our society often self-medicates in order to feel better. (Hope you’re listening, Miss Lohan!)

Anger

Ahh … anger … the cause of depression that I don’t fully comprehend. Sure, I feel angry sometimes, but I don’t walk around hating myself. I may not be perfect, but neither is anyone else. I don’t always make the best decisions. I am often too blunt (you wouldn’t believe how much I really restrain myself), but overall, I possess a good heart. If I care about you, I love you with such depth that if I tried to explain it, I fear my emotion would scare you. However, that pendulum of intense passion swings both directions. Don’t piss me off because I don’t get mad at myself. I focus my anger on the person who upsets me so I didn’t get the whole “Depression is anger turned inward” concept until I witnessed it a few weeks ago.

In a support group that I occasionally attend, a man whom I’ll call Richard has to be the most self-loathing individual I have ever met in my entire life. On an intellectual level, Richard understands his depression, that anger causes it, and the source of his anger. However, he still believes the cure to his self-hatred is the right woman’s love. Now I’m sure his numerous therapists and psychiatrists have explained to him that no one will love him until he loves himself. Richard has attended support groups and self-help meetings for years. By all appearances, he participates in his “recovery.” Although he did give one female shrink an ultimatum that if she didn’t love him, he would leave her. Guess what happened?

I have only met Richard twice; yet, I know more about his personal life than I should because Richard dominates the group. He twists every topic back to his desperate search for love. When I offered that people often meet someone when they are not looking, but there is nothing wrong with trying, he made a snarky comment about me being married. After gritting my teeth and chewing my lip at the last meeting, I realized I had to find another group. If I ever see Richard again and hear him whine about how a woman will fix him, I know the devil in me will say, “Go jump off a bridge already, will ya? I hear no one survives the Golden Gate. I’ll even drive you there.” Terrible, I know, but at least I direct my anger toward the person who deserves it.

I cannot empathize with Richard, but I should sympathize with him. However, my inability to do so reminds me of the many people who don’t understand the cause of my depression. I cannot count how many times I’ve heard “Get over it” or I’ve seen those unspoken words reflected in someone’s eyes when I cry over my sister Adrienne. Nine years? Seems like yesterday to me, asshole.

I won’t return to that particular support group. I mean, who needs chipped teeth and chapped lips? But seriously, I don’t want to be one of those people who says something horrible to Richard. I wonder though, if I angered him, if he could stop being mad at himself—if only for a moment.

AWW — XoXo

P.S. The photo of the house on fire is not my grandparents’ home, but it closely resembles it.

*These causes of depression are my psychiatrist’s experience, and he listed them in this order of common occurrence: Loss, Anger, and Genes. After some research, I discovered that physical factors (e.g., hormonal changes) can also cause depression. For more information, visit Web MD Depression and the Mayo Clinic.

Posted under Adrienne & Health | 1 Comment »

According to President Obama, “I’m confident it [the healthcare bill] will pass because it’s the right thing to do.” I agree with him; reforming America’s healthcare system is necessary. But when our president has not read the bill in its entirety, when congressmen are bribed with special deals for their states (or just a ride on Air Force One), and when the vote is one of the closest ones in American history, you have to ask: isn’t there a better way to change our system?

Of course there are philosophical differences among people. I believe, however, if the bill contained substantive content written in a straightforward manner, that a much higher percentage of the Congress, the Senate, and Americans would be in favor of it. Rasmussen polls show that 53% of Americans oppose the health care plan proposed by President Obama and the Congressional Democrats, and 57% of voters believe it will hurt the economy. These numbers are consistent with a recent Fox News poll that finds 55% oppose the current bill, 35% support it, and 10% don’t know. I have to give Obama, Pelosi, and Reid some credit; they certainly don’t govern by the polls, but in this case, they should.

Although I am fortunate enough to have medical insurance, I have been an uninsured American. In fact, I spent my twenties without health insurance despite having a serious thyroid condition that required one hospitalization, a radiation treatment, quarterly checkups, and daily medication. I didn’t qualify for Medi-Cal, but I received significant discounts by going to a Los Angeles County clinic in downtown LA. I usually spent half a day there between my doctor’s appointment and waiting for my prescription to be filled. I’m not even counting the time I spent two weeks prior to my appointment when I would give blood for my thyroid tests. I typically had to take the day off work—unpaid of course—just to go to the doctor. So I’ve been there, and yeah, it sucks.

However, every time I hear about this current healthcare bill, my stomach twists in knots. Think about it this way: imagine if a candidate didn’t have quite enough votes to get elected so he decided to use some dirty tactics (e.g., closing the polls early, turning voters away) that were technically legal, albeit unethical, to ensure he became president. Oh wait … that already happened. This healthcare bill is no different from Bush’s 2000 election. Even if you are one of the ten people who has read the bill and you agree with everything in it, the process matters.

Just last month, Pres. Obama commented that the healthcare debate was “an ugly process” but now he embraces it because “it’s the right thing to do.” This week, he assured Bret Baier that, “By the time the vote has taken place, not only will I know what’s in it [fixed bill] you’ll know what’s in it.” Wow, I feel better now. Obama makes it clear that the proposed healthcare legislation does not solve current structural problems such as Medicare’s $36.3 trillion (current and future) debt—a number the president agrees is accurate. Despite that staggering figure, Obama smiles and says he has proposed a fiscal commission to fix that problem. He uses terms such as “deficit-neutral” when he describes the healthcare bill even though Richard Foster, chief actuary of Medicare, disagrees with the president’s accounting methods. The president doesn’t like to talk about the estimated 17 million Americans who would not be covered by this sweeping healthcare legislation or how expensive it will be for the uninsured to buy coverage. Obama has one goal: pass this bill, no matter what the consequences are.

Mr. President, you promised to work across party lines, and you vowed not to sign a bill that adds “one dime” to our deficit. Don’t put our country deeper in debt because you are determined to do the “right thing” the wrong way. When you say that a yes vote is for health care reform and that a no vote indicates support for the status quo, you not only sound like a high school bully pushing the weaker kids around, you are also completely inaccurate. Just to be clear … a message to our elected representatives:

• Voting no means you cannot be cajoled, bribed, or pushed around by anybody, not even the president of the United States.
• Voting no means you realize that this bill is not the right one for Americans and that this process does not represent the will of the people.
• Voting no means you listened to the voters who elected you and even the ones who did not.

According to Rasmussen, a majority of voters want the president and Congress to scrap this bill and start over. We differ about the specifics, but we all want healthcare reform. Next time, Mr. President, when you decide to do “the right thing” do it the right way.

AWW — XoXo

Posted under Health & Politics | 3 Comments »

According to psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages were initially applied to terminally ill patients, but were later adapted to include anyone who had experienced a personal loss (e.g., divorce, job). People may not go through every stage, and the order is not important. Though the Kubler-Ross model has been criticized, I believe it has merit. However, Kubler-Ross failed to recognize the importance of grieving the end of all meaningful relationships including friendships. Therefore, I would like to propose another stage: painger—that horrible feeling of being so upset that you want to hurt, emotionally and/or physically, the person who has caused you pain, but you still care too much about the person to actually harm him/her.

In many ways, I prefer anger because it’s just easier to hate someone. You can yell. You can scream. You can throw things. You can bitch to your friends. In anger, you find allies. Your boyfriend cheated on you? Your girlfriends will support your mad-as-hell rage. Getting revenge is more fun for everyone (except for the target) than feeling sorry for yourself. Anger encourages empowerment. Carrie Underwood’s Before He Cheats song was a huge hit because she didn’t cry, she got even. Whoever said living well is the sweetest revenge never “took a Louisville slugger to both headlights.” Honestly, I wish I could tell you a fantastic story about how I avenged a personal grievance, but when my crazy ex-boyfriend accused me of slashing “a hole in all four tires” I didn’t do it. Hell, I didn’t even know where he lived at the time.

When someone you love has hurt you, you may also experience emotional pain or depression. And trust me, no one wants to hear about it. After a certain point (other people determine this time for you), you are supposed to “get over it.” Even your best friends will grow tired of your pain because no one likes a pity party. In Sex and the City (episode #25), Carrie’s friends tell her to see a psychiatrist because they can’t listen to her whine anymore about her breakup with Big. According to the latest CDC statistics, more than one out of 20 Americans (ages 12 and older) are depressed; yet people are expected to pop a pill, see a shrink, suck it up, and move on. When someone asks, “How are you?” the only acceptable answer in our society is “I’m fine.”

Then there is painger. Anger and pain meet, they join forces, and they focus their energy against you as if you did something wrong. Their power is unstoppable, unbelievable at times because you feel crazy. The fury causes your adrenaline to increase, which elevates your heart rate; meanwhile, you cannot stop the tears from falling down your face. The faster your heart beats, the harder you cry, as if a dam has broken inside of you. If you think about the people who have upset you and you don’t know if you want to hit them or hug them, then you may be experiencing painger.

When I’m sad, I cry, nap, write, read, bathe, shop, walk Winston, and/or talk to someone. When I’m angry (and I cannot confront the person due to circumstances beyond my control), I exercise, pace, shower, scream, shop, and/or complain to someone. When I’m paingry, I have found only one thing that tempers my rage and controls my tears. I hit balls at the BatCade in Burbank. If available, I choose the slow-pitch softball batting cage #1 because I can’t hit anything else and it’s located on the far side of the property so no one bothers me. I usually pay for the time instead of by the pitch, but either way, I stay until calluses start forming on my hands and my arms are too sore to lift the bat.

I love hitting the balls; they become the faces of the people whose actions caused my painger. This year, I’ve been seeing old friends and an ex-boyfriend soaring toward me as the pitching machine spits them out. With every swing, my emotional pain moves from my heart into my arms and hands. With every hit, my anger transfers from the bat to the ball as if I have slapped those people who have hurt me. When the softball flies through the air, I feel free from the painger; it’s impossible to cry or to be mad when you imagine hitting a home run. I always leave the batting cages feeling depleted but satisfied that I have won another battle against painger. My batting average—.60—isn’t too shabby either.

AWW — XoXo

P.S. I want to thank Bones for inspiring this blog. I promise we’ll have that Long Island at Boardners, and we’ll hit some balls when you visit LA.

Posted under Health & People/Relationships | No Comments »

During the wee hours of the morning, I lie awake unable to fall asleep because of insomnia and/or our dog Winston, whose arthritis has been causing him much pain lately. Instead of reading the dozens of books on our shelves, magazines on our kitchen table, or hundreds of emails in my inbox, I secretly watch infomercials. [Stands up] My name is Andrea, and I am an Infomercial Addict. I love them. I’ll watch my favorite ones more than once just to see if the producers ever change the content (they do). Yes, you read that correctly. I watch reruns of infomercials. It’s a serious problem. I even have rules regarding my infomercial viewing procedure:

1. I prefer that regular people pitch me the products instead of celebrities. For example, Victoria Principal’s skin looks so fabulous, but I have a hard time believing it’s strictly due to her Principal Secret skincare products. (Can anyone say “facelift”?) However, regular people often become famous if the infomercial is popular (e.g., Billy Mays, Billy Blanks, Susan Powter).
2. I only watch infomercials about products that I would consider buying so I focus mainly on health, beauty, exercise, and pet items. Anything related to cooking causes me to change the channel.
3. I must be excited by the title, and Paid Programming doesn’t cut it. With a dozen infomercials to choose from, the producers must grab my attention. My favorite title of all time (even though the infomercial sucks) has to be, “Is Colon Detox Hype?”

The infomercial “a blend of the words information and commercial” was created in 1984 after U.S. President Ronald Reagan signed the Cable Communications Policy Act, which deregulated television. Sources disagree about the first American infomercial although many believe it was Herbalife’s one-hour advertisement for a weight-loss supplement. In the U.S., the term infomercial is usually reserved for programs that are 28 minutes and 30 seconds in length. Short 120-second commercials that hawk products are called direct response television advertisements aka DRTV spots or short form; they are not technically infomercials.

A true confession isn’t complete without full disclosure of one’s sins … so here are my favorite (currently airing) infomercials a.k.a. guilty pleasures:

1. P90X: The Proof promises to whip your body into shape in 90 days by using Tony Horton’s secret technique of “muscle confusion.” I call his method kicking your ass until you want to drop dead. Actually, I bought this program on eBay (much cheaper!), and I love it. The only thing the infomercial does not disclose is that P90X is not for beginners. I’m proof of muscle memory because I don’t exercise on a regular basis (I’ve stretched the 90 days into seven months), but I still manage to survive most of the workouts.
2. Look Thinner Instantly swears the only way to get your figure back is with Kymaro’s New Body Shaper. This infomercial has all of the right ingredients: live testimonials, quantitative proof, and an “easy fix” to a common problem. I wanted to buy a body shaper, but I knew how ridiculous it would seem to people given that I wear a petite size 2. (There’s no way I’m posting my weight.) I did not succumb to temptation.
3. Straight Sexy Hair assures all women with flat, straight, fine hair that we, too, can have that extra lift by using the innovative Instyler, a “new hair styling tool that straightens, polishes and styles hair by means of a rotating heated cylinder and brush bristles.” I was almost sold because “Haley” has “lifeless, limp hair” just like I do and the results seem incredible. But I read too many mixed reviews about the product, and I knew eventually that it would be available in stores at a cheaper price.
4. Peticure “removes the fear of harming your pet” with its revolutionary mechanical grooming tool that resembles a rotating emery board. You no longer have to clip your pets’ nails; you simply give them a “peticure.” As a pet owner who has trimmed her dog’s toenails too close to the quick too many times, the peticure is an easy sale. The only reason I didn’t buy it is because I wasn’t sure if Winston’s (our 200-pound English mastiff) nails would fit into the slot provided. Now a similar product, Pedi Paws, is available at drugstores and pet stores in our area.

WARNING: Before buying any Infomercial product, do your research. Make sure you really want the product, search for the best price, and read all of the fine print. The latest scam is Flat Abs Fast, which markets the AB Circle PRO. “For just $14.95, you can try it for 30 days.” Uh-huh. But the shipping is $34.50 and then it’s only five easy payments of $39.95. Total pre-tax cost: $249.20. And good luck canceling those automatic payments on your credit card if you don’t like the product.

Suddenly, I don’t want flat abs fast; I have to learn to accept my flab or go confuse my muscles again.

AWW — XoXo

Posted under Beauty/Fashion & Entertainment & Health | 3 Comments »

Yesterday I found out that a distant cousin of mine, I’ll call him Charlie, tried to commit suicide. He shot himself, but from my understanding, he placed the gun too far forward. Instead of blowing out his brains, he blasted off his nose and chin thus permanently disfiguring himself. Yet, he is still alive. I never knew Charlie suffered from depression, and I cannot imagine how he feels right now. He is a young man in his late twenties. He has children and a mother who loves him. Despite their pain, I feel the most empathy for Charlie, a man who failed at what was supposed to be the last task of his life.

Today is Adrienne’s birthday, and I can’t help thinking about her own battle with depression that wasn’t cured, but was certainly tempered by her diagnosis of liver cancer. Though the sadness lingered, she wanted to live more than anything … the irony overwhelms me. Had she lived, I don’t think Adrienne would have ever been suicidal again … melancholy—sure … willing to end her own life—no.

So I wonder what will happen to Charlie … will this terrible tragedy lead to some sort of epiphany? Or will he look in the mirror after months of reconstructive surgery and reach for the nearest razor blade? I don’t have the answers, but having been there myself, I don’t want Charlie to be in pain. So you do whatever you need to do Charlie, no matter what you decide—we will always love you.

AWW — XoXo

Posted under Adrienne & Health | No Comments »