I wanted to be a big cat such as a lion or a tiger. Strong, fast, beautiful. But no … my spirit animal is a Bear. I figured there was a mistake so I retook the quiz and received the same conclusion. I am a Bear. “You are happiest when you are leading the charge.” (In real life, who follows bears?) I sighed and kept reading. “Whenever something needs to get done you always find yourself in charge, either through your own will or through others seeking you out.”

A sick feeling crept into my stomach. I am always in charge of almost everything in my life. From being a teacher to organizing social events, I do try to “lead with courage and integrity” and my “confidence and charisma cause people to gravitate” toward me. Here’s the problem: I don’t want to be a bear anymore.

There was no one particular thing that made me feel like stepping down from leading others in my life. A series of events occurred that caused me to shout, “No more. I am done. Screw being a bear!”

I no longer want to teach, a shame since one of the reasons I obtained my master’s degree was to be able to teach college. However, after a student committed plagiarism twice in the same term in my freshman writing class, I resigned. Even though I proved the plagiarism, the student only received a slap on the wrist; the offense is not going on her permanent student record. I cannot put up with the politics that come with both private and public education at every level.

I no longer want to allow new people in my life. Although most of my close (aka speed-dial) friends live far away and I am very lonely these days, I cannot risk getting to know strangers. Despite my outgoing personality, I keep most people at a distance. (We bears may seem sociable, but we are “the most solitary of all carnivores.”) For example, if you ask me how I am doing and I change the subject, then I am severely depressed and/or I don’t trust you enough to reveal my inner demons. After losing numerous friends after my sister Adrienne died, I concluded that people prefer my alter ego—happy, confident, friendly, funny Andrea—the Lucille Ball of every gathering. When a friend dumped me this past April after three years of what I thought was a wonderful relationship, I decided the third pig had it right: forget straw and sticks, I am building a wall of bricks around my heart.

I no longer want to plan events—not that I do this occupation professionally, but I organized my 20-year high school reunion from 2,000 miles away. The reunion consisted of five classes since my high school was so small. I spent 11 months of my life on this project, and I don’t regret a minute of it.

However, when a friend of 24 years flaked on her duties as both the co-chair and her class representative without ever calling or emailing me to explain why, the disappointment gnawed at me throughout the reunion weekend. Taking over her responsibilities less than two months prior to the reunion was overwhelming, but she didn’t leave me a choice. I resent her for adding to my increasing workload and for not bothering to explain her actions.

I no longer want to speak to seriously ill people. As president of my nonprofit Blue Faery, I often receive emails and phone calls from liver cancer patients seeking information. I listen to their stories and guide them as best I can. I used to love to help people in this capacity until I became emotionally attached to a patient who died this past July after her second battle with liver cancer. Even though she survived much longer than my sister did, this patient’s death brought back painful memories of Adrienne’s last days of fighting for her life. How can I offer hope when there is still no cure for liver cancer? How can I comfort individuals who will most likely die?

I no longer want to live in Los Angeles. If you read my blog, my dislike of LA is well known. I have lived here 20 years, and I must leave this toxic environment. I have only stayed because my husband, who works in the entertainment industry, did not think he could find employment anywhere else … until he received a job offer in Detroit! So now he is there and I am here, and we are apart from each other. I considered moving to one of the “Most miserable cities in America” but we would end up back here anyway after his job ends.

After seeing me cry off and on for several hours last month, my wise owl friend said, “You give so much to everyone else that there’s nothing left for you.” Other people have said the same thing to me in different ways, but I didn’t hear it until my beautiful owl spoke the simple truth.

Now my least favorite word in the English language—no—is becoming my new mantra: “No, I cannot teach needy students, make new friends, plan any events, or hear sad stories.” Unfortunately, I am stuck in Los Angeles for the time being; however, I have an idea. Most bears hibernate, and the period of time depends on where they live. Considering I live in a warmer climate, I think I can get away with three months or so. Hopefully longer.

The quiz warns that, “A prideful bear is a lonely bear” and I am proud when my efforts at any endeavor garner favorable results. However, I would argue that I stepping back from responsibility requires a certain amount of concession of pride. After all, while I am in hibernation, I cannot predict what will happen, but I’m sure the world will get on just fine without me.

AWW — XoXo

P.S. After I wrote this blog, I discovered that my job assigned me five students to tutor this fall when I was only supposed to receive three. YIKES! My hibernation in this respect will be temporarily delayed.

One of my favorite pieces of art Blue Clamp by Jim Dine is on display at the San Francisco Modern Museum of Art. I have a print hanging in my office, but it doesn’t move me as much as seeing the three-dimensional work in person. The blue clamp projects outward from the painting, and to me it suggests how delicate our hearts are, how the clamp holds this particular heart in place, how in one quick motion someone could pull out the clamp and the heart would break. A large blue clamp does not hold my heart together, but I often feel that it is bound by a thick rope tied in numerous knots, which keep me safe and to some degree—sane.

With so many artists and works to choose from, I find it difficult to only select a few for my blog; therefore, I recommend viewing my MOCA Picasa Web album to see more art from this impressive collection or visiting the exhibition Collection: MOCA’s First Thirty Years online at the Los Angeles Museum of Contemporary Art (MOCA).

Cuban artist Ana Mendieta has several works on display in MOCA’s permanent collection. Although I am not fond of some of her performance art, I stared at her series Silueta Works in Mexico, an examination of death and how the body becomes one with the earth.

I thoroughly enjoyed James Rosenquist’s Vestigial Appendage. The painting covers one entire wall at the museum, and I wish I could explain why I am so attracted to it. Rosenquist’s ability to capture sex, beauty, capitalism, and American pop culture using brilliant colors and unusual positioning is just breathtaking.

I am also a fan of Wallace Berman’s photography—especially his Black Piece and Silence series. Here is a close-up view of one small part of Black Piece #2 or #3 (I cannot remember).

Stepping into Doug Wheeler’s RM 669 is like walking into a peaceful fog. He states, “I make things that you experience and then it’s in your mind,” and indeed he accomplishes that goal with this sensory illusion of stepping into another dimension. I have heard critics say that modern art should be “an experience.” If that is true, than Wheeler is one of the best modern artists of his time; however, you cannot hang his work in your home.

Of all of the modern art that I saw/experienced, my least favorite artist is Cy Twombly.
Honestly, I do not get the point of his “art.” Anything that looks like something a kindergartener could scribble on a chalkboard is a waste of space. In addition to this Untitled piece, I recently saw another Twombly work at LACMA, and it looked exactly the same.

You may not agree with my comments, but isn’t that the point of art? To discuss, argue, learn, like, love, and remind all of us that there is some beauty in this ugly world even if we define “beauty” differently.

AWW — XoXo

P.S. Learning to Love LA (again): Part Four—Seeing the Geffen is coming soon!

For example, I immediately stumbled upon LA’s Grand Central Market, which is a huge place full of restaurants and fresh-food stands. Since I had forgotten to eat, I decided to try EJ’s Grill. Initially, I wanted a slice of pizza, but against my better judgment, I opted for the chicken pita sandwich. Trying new food is part of the journey—right? Well, the “sandwich” was disgusting: dark-meat chicken mostly covered in fat swimming in three tablespoons of mayonnaise with one shred of lettuce. I gagged after one bite. I returned the food and got my money back.

Satisfied that I didn’t have to pay for a crappy meal, I vowed to eat somewhere else at the end of the day. With the taste of fat and mayo still clinging to my tongue, I searched in my purse for some gum. No luck. I could have stopped and bought a pack, but I didn’t want to waste anymore time.
Determined to get to the museum, I moved on still trying to figure out the best way to reach MOCA, which sits on Grand Avenue above an overpass.

I soon found myself walking through the 3rd Street Tunnel, which is practically underneath MOCA. I’m sure I have driven through it before, but being on foot was a new experience. Despite the cars zooming past me, the tunnel was quiet. Too quiet. The smell of exhaust filled my nostrils. Graffiti covers the sidewalk. One particular scrawl caught my eye, and I thought how it was similar to some of the modern art that I’ve seen in the past. I couldn’t resist taking a picture.

I exited the tunnel and began a short climb. My thighs began burning. My Skechers Shape-Ups are working. Soon, I saw Walt Disney Concert Hall, a place where I have seen many shows. I watched as tourists took pictures of what has become one of the ugliest, yet best known, buildings in Los Angeles. Despite architect Frank Gehry’s tacky exterior design, Yasuhisa Toyota’s acoustics are to die for. I highly recommend seeing a concert here—just close your eyes and listen.

AWW — XoXo

P.S. Learning to Love LA (again): Part Three—Visiting the MOCA is coming soon!

Besides going to art museums, one of my favorite things to do in a new city is to ride the subway and to walk the town. I never do these things in LA because its public transportation sucks and it is not “bipedal-friendly” as a friend of mine likes to say. But in the past ten years, the Metro (i.e., bus and rail system) has made it possible to go from the San Fernando Valley to downtown Los Angeles by taking the red line subway, and the public buses have increased their routes to include short trips such as the Downtown Area Short Hop (DASH), which only costs twenty-five cents. Walking around Los Angeles is still feasible if you plan to stay in one area. So the day after my sister’s birthday, I drove to the North Hollywood Metro station, parked my car, and experienced Los Angeles like a tourist for the first time in almost twenty years.

The immediate surprise was that I didn’t have to wait for the museum to see art, as there are murals inside of the North Hollywood station. The colors are bright and the pictures reflect the diversity and uniqueness of “NoHo”—Sitton’s Restaurant, Phil’s Diner, Lankershim Arts Center, etc. I especially liked the murals that reflect how the Valley looked before it was developed (e.g., Lankershim Ranch and Water Company). Most people don’t realize that the Valley used to be acres upon acres of fruit trees; we have an orange, a tangerine, a Meyer lemon, and a pomegranate tree in our backyard. (If you are local, email me if you want some oranges or lemons!)

As I exited the subway in Pershing Square, I reminded myself that despite its flaws, LA has a rich history full of intriguing characters, mysterious circumstances, and beautiful landscapes. All of these elements are captured in my two favorite movies about Los Angeles: Chinatown and LA Confidential. Wishing I had worn a hat like Mrs. Mulwray, I thought about those films as I buttoned my seersucker jacket when the cold breeze hit me.

AWW — XoXo

P.S. Learning to Love LA (again): Part Two—Walking the City is coming soon!

Even though many people complain that the weather here never changes, Los Angeles has four seasons: Fire, Mudslide, Earthquake, and Riot. I’ve lived in LA more than half of my life now so I’ve experienced its unusual spells. Although I was out of town for the 1994 Northridge earthquake, I was driving on the freeway when one of its biggest aftershocks occurred. I watched in awe and in fear as all of the cars simultaneously shifted into neighboring lanes. After mudslides closed the Hollywood canyons, which commuters use to get to and from the San Fernando Valley, I spent almost three hours driving a mere 18 miles. I was living downtown when the 1992 riots turned LA into a war zone. I’ll never forget seeing military vehicles on the 10 freeway and trying to fall asleep to the sound of chopper blades whirring and anarchy rising. Now it is fire season again. People are losing their homes, the land is burning to a black crisp, and the air quality has been deemed “unhealthy.” Though they light up the night sky, the wildfires always cast a shadow over LA, causing a city, full of stars both fake and real, to lose its shine.

I used to love Los Angeles. I remember when my affair with the City of Angels began. I had arrived for a summer freshmen orientation at the University of Southern California (USC). The campus was (and still is) beautiful. The sun was shining, the temperature was a perfect 75 degrees, and I had never seen so many beautiful men in my entire life. I was sold. I wasn’t even 18 years old yet, but LA had stolen my heart with its beauty, weather, diversity, culture, nightlife, and location—near the beach, mountains, and desert and more than 2,500 miles away from my mother. I didn’t know about the traffic, the air quality, the anonymity, or the character of many Los Angelenos—dense, shallow, tardy, and egocentric. I guess all of that beauty comes with a price.

Despite its flaws, I continued my relationship with LA but on different terms. In 1997, I moved to Burbank (a city that is technically separate from LA) so my sister Adrienne could attend a better school. Four years later, we moved across town to a another house in Burbank—the place where she died. In fact, I’m writing this blog in her bedroom right now, which may disturb some people, but it comforts me. I like to think of her as my muse. Anyway, in October I will have lived here longer than I lived in any other home in my entire life. I never thought I would want to move because I was afraid of leaving Adrienne behind. From her spirit in this house to her grave at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery, I didn’t want to abandon her. However, Burbank is still LA, and it began losing its luster the day I lost her.

The irony is that Adrienne loved Los Angeles. Whether she was a hippie in Venice, a rocker in Hollywood, or an ordinary kid in Burbank, she appreciated everything LA has to offer. She accepted its faults. While I had wanted her to attend an Ivy League university far from home, she had planned on going to USC. The one time we argued about it she said, “Forget it, Sissy. I’m not leaving Los Angeles.” Now she will always be here, and I’m the one who wants to go. I can’t escape the pain; it will follow me. But in the City of Angels, my grief outweighs any happiness I might derive from my memories, which haunt me. Maybe when I’m not running into something every day that reminds me of what I’m missing (I don’t need proof), I can finally remember all of the wonderful times I had with my sister—how much joy, humor, and depth she brought into my life.

I want a fresh start in a new place where I can make new memories in a new house with my not-so-new husband. In a small town, I can breathe. Today, I inhaled dirt. It’s over, LA. I’m sorry. You didn’t change … but I did.

AWW — XoXo

Some people say Kobe isn’t a team player; a viable issue earlier in his career that I feel has been resolved due to strong coaching, increased maturity, and an ever-deepening love for the game. If you don’t believe me on that last point, watch the 2008 Summer Olympics Men’s Basketball Ceremony; Kobe wanted to win for the United States, not for himself. Many people have expressed a dislike for Kobe because he got away with rape. Well, maybe he did, and maybe he didn’t. However, just as I refuse to judge a whole team by one player’s actions, I’m not going to allow my personal opinion of Kobe to taint my view of his athletic abilities. No matter what you think of the man, you cannot deny his talent and skill. Kobe Bryant may not be my favorite NBA player (Michael Jordan stole my heart years ago), but he is one of the greatest basketball players of all time, and he happens to play for the LA Lakers—my local team.

As game five of the NBA Finals approaches, I have some final words for my fellow Los Angelenos. If you are rooting for the Orlando Magic because you are originally from Florida, you have always liked the organization, and/or you have a thing for Dwight Howard, then I wish your team the best of luck. However, if you want the Magic to win simply because you hate the Lakers (i.e. you hate Kobe) then you have no community spirit whatsoever. With or without Kobe, I support the Lakers because they are a Los Angeles sports team. Veteran player Derek Fisher not Kobe saved game four on Thursday night by tying the game and forcing it into overtime. Pau Gasol, Trevor Ariza, and Lamar Odom have contributed more than their fair share during the post-season playoffs. The Lakers are not perfect, but they do represent the “City of Angels.” We should be proud of them.

As for all of you local Lakers Haters (including my husband), I cannot wait to see the looks on your faces when the Lakers win the national championship, their fourth one in the past ten years. Because they will succeed, and when they do, you can kiss my Lakers-loving ass.

AWW — XoXo