How I healed my trauma: Part 3—Psilocybin & Ketamine
This is part three in a series titled How I healed my trauma. Read Part 2—MDMA.
About Psilocybin
Also known as Magic Mushrooms, psilocybin comes from certain types of mushrooms. Ingested orally, you can drink psilocybin when brewed as tea or eat it, though it may taste bitter. The physical side effects may include nausea, vomiting, and muscle weakness. The psychological side effects often include hallucinations. Like MDMA, I had never tried Magic Mushrooms. I knew many people in college who did, but “tripping” wasn’t my thing. My MDMA guide, Sally, was concerned about doing an MDMA session after my long COVID diagnosis. So, I agreed to give psilocybin a chance.
The one and only session: November 12, 2022
Unfortunately, that morning, I accidentally drank decaffeinated coffee, so I began the session with a headache. I drank the hot tea, and then I licked the remaining bits of mushrooms off my hand. Overall, I found the experience to be dark, sad, and heavy. I didn’t experience any visions or hallucinations, which Sally said was unusual. I wish I had seen something. Anything. I would have welcomed a break from the blanket of depression that weighed me down. A gloom and doom of sadness pinned me to the bed.
I don’t know why I felt so miserable. Though I won’t go into the details, stuff came up about my dad and ex-husband. Not specific memories. Just that they weren’t there for me. It reminded me of my first MDMA session: I was not anyone’s priority.
I needed to cry it out, but I held back. I do that a lot. I don’t allow myself to cry.
Is it because I think crying is weak?
Or because I’m tired of crying?
Or that I don’t feel better after crying, so why bother?
Crying is a release. Sometimes, it’s necessary, but it still feels like too much. Maybe because the men in my life never handled it well when I cried. Even if I had not had a headache, I’m not sure this experience would have been positive. For days afterward, my dreams were crazier than usual. I’ll try Magic Mushrooms again when Dolly Parton stops wearing sparkles and wigs (i.e., when I’m dead). While I don’t want to detour anyone from trying psilocybin, for me, the experience sucked.
While I don’t microdose psilocybin like many celebrities say they do, I do like Microdose THC Gummies.
About Ketamine
Ketamine is referred to as a “dissociative anesthetic hallucinogen” because it can make people feel detached from their pain and environment. Ketamine may help you feel calm, relaxed, and pain-free but also immobile and amnesiac. You may feel disconnected and not in control. Ketamine is usually given as an infusion, so you’re hooked up to an IV. To me, the experience is clinical and isolating. You sit alone in a room in a chair in the same position because you cannot move your body much. But it is legal, cheaper, and easier to access than MDMA or psilocybin.
Session #1: July 20, 2022
After two MDMA sessions, my guide suggested I try Ketamine. I didn’t want to ask anyone for a reference because I was still doing this work privately. So, I googled and found the Southern Ketamine and Wellness Center (SKWC). While the overall experience wasn't terrible, the side effects were. Plus, I didn't feel safe or secure in that place. Given that abandonment is one of my core issues, I did not return to SKWC. And I don’t recommend SKWC either.
Weighing 100 pounds and crying during my first Ketamine session.
The staff hooked me up to a monitor, took my blood pressure every 10 – 15 minutes, and measured my pulse. They said they checked on me throughout the session, but I only remember the door opening once. The staff dimmed the lights but didn’t provide music or an eye mask. Because of my prior experience with MDMA, I brought both. Music and an eye mask make a huge difference! They allowed the medicine to explore my mind. I “left” the session twice by turning down the music and removing my mask.
My initial physical experience was typical. The sensation of a weighted blanket made it impossible to move. I didn’t feel like I could go anywhere. I couldn’t lift my leg if I wanted to. The loss of motor control unsettled me. Soon, my tongue and nose became numb, and I found it difficult to articulate words. However, ketamine is easier on your body than MDMA. There’s no sweating, shaking, or twitching.
Despite not eating that morning and having little to drink per the clinic’s instructions, I felt nauseated. The staff gave me Zofran at the beginning and end of the session, but it didn’t help much. I needed more time for the Ketamine to wear off, but I felt pressured to leave. Though I was unsteady on my feet, I stumbled out the door. A kind man who was waiting while his wife was in a session helped me get into an Uber. When I arrived home, I felt tired, dizzy, and nauseous. Though I wanted a nap, I wasn’t able to fall asleep. The next morning, I felt hungover and groggy. A mild headache persisted throughout the day.
Lessons Received
I need to rest. My sister Adrienne came to me. She was so vibrant. So alive. She said, “Sissy, you’re not suicidal. You’re exhausted!” (The day before, my partner asked me if I was suicidal.) She kept pushing the message. “Sissy, you need rest. R-E-S-T. Rest!” I cried because I missed her voice. I laughed because her insistence that I rest reminded me of how we always had each other’s back. Always. Though I was delighted to hear her voice, to feel her in my body, I still pushed back. I asked, “How do I rest? How do I slow down and not make a living? How can I make that happen?” While she had no answers, my body’s need for rest was an overlying theme throughout the session.
I understand why people do drugs now. (I’m positive watching the television show Westworld the night before influenced what happened next.) At one point, I was standing on a clear ledge at the edge of the universe. It reminded me of the invisible bridge in one of the Indiana Jones movies. Indy had to take a leap of faith and trust that the path was there. I couldn’t see the ledge, but I felt it under my feet. I was standing on the world’s edge, surrounded by galaxies. I looked all around me. I was a tiny spot in a much bigger infinite universe. I felt privileged to see this incredible world around me. The universe humbled me. Our planet Earth is a mere pinpoint. A thumb tack in a vast universe. I could have stayed there forever watching the stars. I thought to myself, if this is what doing drugs is like, I finally get it.
Keep things simple, even in business. After leaving the edge of the world, I found myself problem-solving a lot. I resisted it because this session was supposed to be a blissful escape from work. The more I resisted the temptation to fix things in my mind, the more problems popped up. For example, I’m a writer, yet I don’t like emails. I fantasized about never writing an email again. I thought about other ways to simplify and streamline work-specific issues.
Though I don’t recommend Southern Ketamine and Wellness Center, and I don’t like the side effects of Ketamine, the experience was productive enough that I decided to do it again at another location.
Session #2: February 16, 2023
Seven months later, I decided to do another Ketamine session. Due to long COVID, I still wasn’t able to do MDMA, but I was healthier than I had been the first time around. I also knew what questions to ask to ensure I found a place where I felt safe and secure. After much due diligence, I went to Crestline Health and Wellness. The doctor, nurse, and staff were wonderful. They were caring, concerned, and attentive. With a great setting, I set my intention—you have to feel to heal.
The infusion was delayed because the nurse had difficulty getting my pulse and oxygen levels. She thought it was due to my always-cold hands. Finally, she took my pulse manually. When we began, my oxygen level was 94%, which increased to 99% by the end of the session.
The room was spacious yet cozy. Light enough to see yet dim enough to relax. The staff closed the shades and encouraged me to listen to music and wear an eye mask. I did both. I listened to Binaural Beats to get into an alpha state. I never turned the music off or down. I only removed the eye mask to drink sips of water.
This time, I felt number and heavier. My nose, my lips, my face, and even my arms were numb. While I didn’t have any physical pain, the weighted blanket sensation came over me again. About halfway through the session, I began shaking uncontrollably with severe chills. The staff brought me more blankets and hand warmers, which helped.
Despite 8 mg of Zofran in the IV, I still felt nauseated. However, by the time I left, I was stable on my feet. The staff put me in a wheelchair, wheeled me outside, and waited until I was securely in an Uber. When I arrived home, I was groggy and hungry. After a big lunch, I took a two-hour nap.
Lessons Received
My mother taught me how to manipulate people because she was so good at manipulating me. Most of the session focused on my mother. Questions to her popped up:
Why couldn’t you be there for me?
Why couldn’t you be honest?
Why did you steal from Adrienne? Why did you steal from me?
Why was I no one’s priority? Not my mother’s. Not my dad’s. I allowed myself to cry. The doctor told me when she checked on me that I told her they were good tears. I don’t remember saying that, but they were necessary tears. (At least this time, I had the good sense not to wear mascara.)
I was never enough. I was never good enough for anyone. Not my mother. Not my dad. Not my ballet teacher. Not my stepmother. Not my grandmother. Not even my closest friend. No wonder I leaned into school so much! It’s the only place where I received positive validation that I mattered. That I was more than enough. Being smart was the one thing no one could take away from me.
I see everything. I kept seeing this rippling aerial map of a city. It flickered from dark to light and back again. The first time I saw the map, orange-rust images dotted a black background. Almost sepia-toned, but not quite. Each time I went back to the map, the colors grew more vibrant. My brain was sharing a secret with me, giving me a roadmap. And with every ripple, I gained more insight. The ripples revealed the truth: you see everything. And I do. I pay attention. I observe. I watch. But I only reveal about 10% of what I see to anyone. That’s why people always feel safe telling me their secrets, including my parents.
My mother depended on me too much. She treated me like a housewife and took me for granted. By my senior year of high school, our relationship became strained. Before I left home, I told her how much she would miss me when I was gone. She had no clue how much work (e.g., housecleaning, cooking, bookkeeping, babysitting, shopping) I did for her. Later, she admitted I was right.
My father told me too much about his marriage, and I told him too much about mine. For a brief time, we became each other’s confidants, and it was not appropriate. But I didn’t know how to set boundaries with him (or anyone for that matter). I’m still protective of my father, so I won’t go into details. Though much of what he told me, I already knew from observation.
When I wanted to return to the map, I could feel my ego, whom I call Daniel, pushing back. I told him to go away. I need to feel to heal. After telling myself to bring it on, the severe chills and shakes began. While I still don’t like how nauseated I feel during and after a Ketamine session, I would consider doing it again. Maybe next year.
Coming Up: How I healed my trauma: Part 4—Ayahuasca
Resources
Effect of Psilocybin and Ketamine (academic abstract)
“Psychedelics Are a Promising Therapy, but They Can Be Dangerous for Some” (New York Times article)
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life (a book everyone needs to read)
December 18, 2023 Addendum: Matthew Perry’s Death
According to several news outlets, the cause of death of beloved Friends star Matthew Perry was “acute effects of ketamine.” This doesn’t make much sense. The half-life of ketamine is about 2.5 hours in adults. Meaning in under three hours, the total amount of drug in your body is reduced by 50 percent. However, he had high levels of ketamine in his system. Either an incompetent healthcare provider gave ketamine to Perry and then left him alone. Or Perry injected himself, accidentally or intentionally, with the high dose.
Anyone doing ketamine therapy for depression must be under the supervision of a licensed healthcare provider during the session. Do not take ketamine alone! Like any drug taken irresponsibly, ketamine can kill you.